Slow & steady like a waterfall.

Everything's fast paced now, but still you're waiting. Everyday keeps turning swiftly, not knowing if today is yesterday anymore. You move automatically, you know what's gonna happen next. There's little room left for you to feel, and you'd rather sleep than feel anything. You're too tired to wake up, too tired to sleep, too tired to dream. Sometimes, you even forget why you were doing this in the first place.

You run in a very different crowd now. You know them, but not really KNOW them. You smile, you laugh, you feel the exhaustion, you feel fulfilled after a long days work. But at the end of the day, you still feel empty inside.

You feel happy, and frustrated at the same time. You have a hard time trusting others, and in trusting yourself as well. You developed this fear you didn't even know you had. You keep fitting in and yet you still feel that you're not that missing puzzle piece that everyone's been looking for.

And then you ask yourself, where is this bound to end?
Well maybe something worthwhile.
So until I've figured things out, let me move on my own pace,
slow,
steadily,
unstable.
Just like a waterfall.

6.15.12

I never knew how tears tasted until I met you,.
I thought I know how pain feels, until I met you.
I never knew regrets, until I met you.
I thought I know what "misses someone" feels like until I met you.
I thought I knew love all along, not until I met you.
but there's one thing I still don't know.


Its when to give up, or still hold on.


Or maybe, I do know.

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless, 
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/daughter/youth.html ]
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home, 
It was a flood that wrecked this... 

... and you caused it... 
... and you caused it... 
... and you caused it... 

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette, 
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget, 
My eyes ae damp from the words you left, 
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, 
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun, 
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it, 
And you caused it, 
And you caused it

F*** Y**

OH FUCK BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS.

YOU HAVE PUSHED ME TO MY LIMIT.

No more, no more disrespect. No more pain. No more anger. No more of your lame excuses. No more of you. No more of any of this.
This is the first time that I have cried in anger.
I just hope you had the balls to admit if you don't want to stick around anymore.
You're a pussy! A coward! A selfish little PRICK!!!!!!!

Mark my words

I WILL NEVER, EVER FORGET THIS DAY UNLIT I DIE.

birthday tribute to a good friend.

Hindi ko akalain na magging close ako sa isang taong nakilala ko sa malayo lamang. Akala ko dati, hndi mo makikilala ang isang tao kapag hndi pa kayo nagkita personally. Mali pala. Ngayon ko napatunayan na wala sa distansya ang pagkakaibigan.

Labee you are more than just a kuya (naks kuya daw) to us, you're a friend as well (minsan bespren pa), buddy, someone who you can run to when everything's not going well, listener, adviser, and of course, part of our family na. Isa sa pinaka magandang desisyon na ginawa ni ilay ay hayaan kang maging parte ng buhay nya, at namin, at sayo naman, parte din ng buhay at pamilya mo. Labee I could not thank you enough for all the things you've done for us, for me especially. Napaka BUTI mong tao, napaka understanding na minsan kahit sarili ko hndi ko maintindihan pero ikaw naiintindihan mo pa rin ako (bakit ganun noh? haha). I thank God that I had the chance to meet you, and get to be close to you, in this lifetime.

Now as you celebrate another year of your life alam ko madami kang dapat ipagpasalamat. Pero kami, mas nagpapasalamat kaming mga kaibigan, pamilya, at ibang tao pa na mapalit sayo, na makilala at makasama ka ng isang taon na naman :0 hehe Happy birthday, at happy anniv na rin. Tipid kayo sa celeb ha. Mautak talaga ang kapatid ko. Hahahaha ♥ We love you labee!

insatiable.

I close my eyes. I continue to ponder about the things you've said. It has been a month and nothing's changed. I open my eyes and i see the pitch black sky. There's no stars tonight. I felt lonely. I keep asking myself, what went wrong? Of what I did or didn't do. I've been carrying this for quite some time now. The pain. The sadness. The hate. The anger. The loneliness. All these unanswered questions. But despite of all that, I still miss you. I still love you more than ever.

Inhaling the cigar that I just lit, it feels like I am gasping for air. I inhaled a bit longer, hoping it would numb all of what I feel.

Lying here, it feels like time has stopped.

I hope, and prayed that this night would never end.

Prayed not to see daylight again.

For it has caused me a lot of wishful thinking, a lot of hoping, that tomorrow, every thing will be alright.

But it never is.

False hope. I've had enough of that.

I've had enough of this pain.

I've had enough of pretending i'm alright.

That everything's fine.

That night, I realized,

No matter how much coffee I drink or how much cigar I consume, it will not satiate anything.

But it gave me comfort knowing that I can never run out of coffee, and cigar.

Oh that one night, it costed me. But I didn't care. For the first time in months, i felt free.

oh this darn personality quizzes.

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

best of the best.

It wasn't that special when I first met you. It was a very ordinary day actually. Little did I know that it would be the thing that I would be most thankful for. The last 6 years with you were remembered by:

Camping, sleep overs, nights under the stars, gazing in awe when we see landscapes that I've shared and appreciated only with you, food trips (and lots of them!), going home late, swimming, cutting classes, eating in class, stress, depression, countless times of troubles (you know this pretty well beh), LOVE, HEARTACHES, learning, growing, with our hearts bursting with wonder, enthusiasm for life, and of course being there for each other.

And now, as we are growing older, we learn to stand up on our own two feet. Growing apart, yes, we have grown differently for the past year, and it was very hard for me, for us. But you know what beh? No matter how far apart we may be, or we may not talk for a very long time, but I am certain that what we have won't ever change :)

What we have exceeds friendship, that only we can understand. I am glad to share this with you beh. <3 Happy happy birthday beh and I love you so much!

happy birthday my soul sister <3

root of unhappiness.

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd; the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.
– Fernando Pessoa

12.

What you see it not always what it seems.
I may look happy, but i'm dying inside.

the earth, the sky, and in between.

Breath in. Open your eyes, and exhale the exhaustion. Breath again. Breath in the awe and all the beauty before your eyes. Breath out all the doubts, the worries, and all the things that wrinkle the heart and the soul. Let yourself wonder, let yourself be, let yourself free.

1,2,5,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,17,19,20

Reading a thought catalog article while devouring a piece of chicken legs in the dark, daughter's youth playing in the background, it came to me.
Typing this with my oil-stained, meat-smelling fingers, tears welling up on the corners of my eyes, my mouth parched dry, I still don't want to accept that fact, but it is too much to ignore.
It hurts to admit this, forcing myself for a long time now that its not what it seems to be.
But its not.
This time its not.
Everything I've felt is true. And now I am lost.

Njosnavelin

Essil on

Essil on erifet al

Essil on

Essil on erifet al

Essil on

(I traveled through light,

I traveled through light;

I am not afraid, In this lake of souls,

In this lake of souls, I lose all fear)

- sigur ros

It got me thinking.
There really is a fine line between being a coward, and being courageous.

Coward. I've acknowledge that fact for some time now and I can safely, but not proudly admit that I am indeed a big pussy. But the real question is, what am I really scared of? Swarm of thoughts rushed through my head. I am afraid of the dark, and why? Because of unknown entities that might be lurking there, the ones I cannot see. And so what then? Could it kill me? No. Well does that apply to everything one experiences? If so then, death is the only thing that I should be afraid of. But it doesn't work out that way. I fear of heartaches. Any normal person would be too but then in the end you know that it wouldn't kill you, right? Yeah in that context of death as someone whose heart stopped beating then no, of course not. But the pain it can cause, it can kill you inside. So now what. What am I really afraid of. Pain, heartaches, disappointments, expectations, to name a few. In general I am afraid of life. Of reality. Of the fact that life is not made plainly of sugar but it has its own bunch of lemons too, and I have to accept that.

Courage on the other hand is accepting defeat, and then standing up again. It is fighting for what you believe in. In facing the truth. In all of its forms, courage is when one steps out of his comfort zone and bravely embraces the unknown.

But now tell me this. Am I a coward because I ran away from knowing the truth, or am I brave that I have accepted this weakness, that I still have the guts to fight for it without knowing that truth, that I have presented my whole vulnerability on a silver platter, ready to be served. That I am willing, no matter how scared I am, to blindly fight for something I will never be certain of.

I am scared as shit, but i'm still here. So what does that make me?

Rage

People keep setting fire to their insides to make up for the warmth they wanted to feel on the outside.

Summer Rain

Humidity, summer rain, TV tuned in on cartoon network with volume at max, and two little tykes running around the house. Well so much for my "reflection/retreat" day as i hoped it would be. Sighs.

Searching between the sheets

Here we go.

There are only two options. Either i'd do IT, or I am forced do something else. No rocket science there definitely, but its not that simple. So while I am munching on my take-out and listening to Ben Howard, I pray so hard that I come to an end of a conclusion by the end of this night.

Oh this darn songs. The thing about my songs (referring to my type of music) is that if they hit you, they hit you real hard, right down to the core. Maybe, well just maybe, this is a sign, a divine intervention of some sort, telling me what I should do. But of course, its still up to me.

10

Been itching to write for a very long time now and while The Fray's run for your life is singing in the background, I stare at my cover photo thinking of you, hand in hand. It says in the song that I don't have to go it alone. Well yeah of course you'll have that kind of people in your life, but still, your battles are your battles.

Earphones plugged in, humming Bon Iver, shutting out all the world (well I hope its that easy to shut it out) and the rest of the problems away from just one night. Well who am I kidding, i'm writing about it anyway so i'm not really forgetting about it. Again with this question. If I had a cent for every time I used this I wouldn't be writing this anymore because I'd be so filthy rich I'd be busy eating popcorn's and Hagen Daas while watching Avengers on my own surround sound theater underground. That's a bit of exaggeration I hate to admit but it still gave me something good to think about. Going back to the worn out question. What now? No where. I am nowhere near anything I was hoping for. Yes, yes I know I'm still young but why does it feel like everyday is such a slow-mo. It only fast forwards when it's bed time. Then the same old thing happens again. Never had I thought that life after graduation was this hard. It has been two years and I'm still stuck in this place, with no work, no money, finishing one and then quitting one volunteer work, parents still feeding my tinsy winsy stomach, wasting a lot of my good energy on trivial things, and yeah, sleeping a lot. And I thought when I was a student that life after that is promising well I am completely deluded. Or maybe "naive" is a much fitting word for it.

Oh my what now?

If I could only cry out to Adele and beg her to give me her talent then i'd be settled. Just kidding. If that's the case then i'd ask Lucio Tan to adopt me. Point is stability. Where can I get one of those, anyone tell me please? Maybe Lucy Rose knows since her songs is that comforting, it seems that she has nothing to worry about.

Now reading this, it might sound like i'm such a whiny, ungrateful little bitch complaining about everything and not doing anything about it. Well yeah, maybe you're right so point a gun at me will yah? The thing is I am not contented YET, but it doesn't mean that I am not grateful.

I'm not really good at explaining myself in the first place and why did I even write this friggin' random rant when it feels like I have to defend myself. So no, not this time. Let me succumb to my weeping and useless self pitying and let me get back to you when I get in touch with reality. Very soon I hope.

So yeah. I am chilling with M83, Walk The Moon, Bon Iver, Lucy Rose, The Temper Trap, Marble Sound, Death Cab, and Jose Gonzales for tonight. Drown me in your sweet sweet melody and sing me to sleep. Oh look, it's already 11.