Thursday, May 31, 2012

oh this darn personality quizzes.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

best of the best.

It wasn't that special when I first met you. It was a very ordinary day actually. Little did I know that it would be the thing that I would be most thankful for. The last 6 years with you were remembered by:

Camping, sleep overs, nights under the stars, gazing in awe when we see landscapes that I've shared and appreciated only with you, food trips (and lots of them!), going home late, swimming, cutting classes, eating in class, stress, depression, countless times of troubles (you know this pretty well beh), LOVE, HEARTACHES, learning, growing, with our hearts bursting with wonder, enthusiasm for life, and of course being there for each other.

And now, as we are growing older, we learn to stand up on our own two feet. Growing apart, yes, we have grown differently for the past year, and it was very hard for me, for us. But you know what beh? No matter how far apart we may be, or we may not talk for a very long time, but I am certain that what we have won't ever change :)

What we have exceeds friendship, that only we can understand. I am glad to share this with you beh. <3 Happy happy birthday beh and I love you so much!

happy birthday my soul sister <3

Saturday, May 26, 2012

root of unhappiness.

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd; the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.
– Fernando Pessoa

Friday, May 25, 2012


What you see it not always what it seems.
I may look happy, but i'm dying inside.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

the earth, the sky, and in between.

Breath in. Open your eyes, and exhale the exhaustion. Breath again. Breath in the awe and all the beauty before your eyes. Breath out all the doubts, the worries, and all the things that wrinkle the heart and the soul. Let yourself wonder, let yourself be, let yourself free.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Reading a thought catalog article while devouring a piece of chicken legs in the dark, daughter's youth playing in the background, it came to me.
Typing this with my oil-stained, meat-smelling fingers, tears welling up on the corners of my eyes, my mouth parched dry, I still don't want to accept that fact, but it is too much to ignore.
It hurts to admit this, forcing myself for a long time now that its not what it seems to be.
But its not.
This time its not.
Everything I've felt is true. And now I am lost.

Monday, May 7, 2012


Essil on
Essil on erifet al
Essil on
Essil on erifet al
Essil on
(I traveled through light,
I traveled through light;
I am not afraid, In this lake of souls,
In this lake of souls, I lose all fear)
- sigur ros

It got me thinking.
There really is a fine line between being a coward, and being courageous.

Coward. I've acknowledge that fact for some time now and I can safely, but not proudly admit that I am indeed a big pussy. But the real question is, what am I really scared of? Swarm of thoughts rushed through my head. I am afraid of the dark, and why? Because of unknown entities that might be lurking there, the ones I cannot see. And so what then? Could it kill me? No. Well does that apply to everything one experiences? If so then, death is the only thing that I should be afraid of. But it doesn't work out that way. I fear of heartaches. Any normal person would be too but then in the end you know that it wouldn't kill you, right? Yeah in that context of death as someone whose heart stopped beating then no, of course not. But the pain it can cause, it can kill you inside. So now what. What am I really afraid of. Pain, heartaches, disappointments, expectations, to name a few. In general I am afraid of life. Of reality. Of the fact that life is not made plainly of sugar but it has its own bunch of lemons too, and I have to accept that.

Courage on the other hand is accepting defeat, and then standing up again. It is fighting for what you believe in. In facing the truth. In all of its forms, courage is when one steps out of his comfort zone and bravely embraces the unknown.

But now tell me this. Am I a coward because I ran away from knowing the truth, or am I brave that I have accepted this weakness, that I still have the guts to fight for it without knowing that truth, that I have presented my whole vulnerability on a silver platter, ready to be served. That I am willing, no matter how scared I am, to blindly fight for something I will never be certain of.

I am scared as shit, but i'm still here. So what does that make me?

Sunday, May 6, 2012


People keep setting fire to their insides to make up for the warmth they wanted to feel on the outside.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Summer Rain

Humidity, summer rain, TV tuned in on cartoon network with volume at max, and two little tykes running around the house. Well so much for my "reflection/retreat" day as i hoped it would be. Sighs.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Searching between the sheets

Here we go.

There are only two options. Either i'd do IT, or I am forced do something else. No rocket science there definitely, but its not that simple. So while I am munching on my take-out and listening to Ben Howard, I pray so hard that I come to an end of a conclusion by the end of this night.

Oh this darn songs. The thing about my songs (referring to my type of music) is that if they hit you, they hit you real hard, right down to the core. Maybe, well just maybe, this is a sign, a divine intervention of some sort, telling me what I should do. But of course, its still up to me.