the earth, the sky, and in between.

Breath in. Open your eyes, and exhale the exhaustion. Breath again. Breath in the awe and all the beauty before your eyes. Breath out all the doubts, the worries, and all the things that wrinkle the heart and the soul. Let yourself wonder, let yourself be, let yourself free.

1,2,5,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,17,19,20

Reading a thought catalog article while devouring a piece of chicken legs in the dark, daughter's youth playing in the background, it came to me.
Typing this with my oil-stained, meat-smelling fingers, tears welling up on the corners of my eyes, my mouth parched dry, I still don't want to accept that fact, but it is too much to ignore.
It hurts to admit this, forcing myself for a long time now that its not what it seems to be.
But its not.
This time its not.
Everything I've felt is true. And now I am lost.

Njosnavelin

Essil on

Essil on erifet al

Essil on

Essil on erifet al

Essil on

(I traveled through light,

I traveled through light;

I am not afraid, In this lake of souls,

In this lake of souls, I lose all fear)

- sigur ros

It got me thinking.
There really is a fine line between being a coward, and being courageous.

Coward. I've acknowledge that fact for some time now and I can safely, but not proudly admit that I am indeed a big pussy. But the real question is, what am I really scared of? Swarm of thoughts rushed through my head. I am afraid of the dark, and why? Because of unknown entities that might be lurking there, the ones I cannot see. And so what then? Could it kill me? No. Well does that apply to everything one experiences? If so then, death is the only thing that I should be afraid of. But it doesn't work out that way. I fear of heartaches. Any normal person would be too but then in the end you know that it wouldn't kill you, right? Yeah in that context of death as someone whose heart stopped beating then no, of course not. But the pain it can cause, it can kill you inside. So now what. What am I really afraid of. Pain, heartaches, disappointments, expectations, to name a few. In general I am afraid of life. Of reality. Of the fact that life is not made plainly of sugar but it has its own bunch of lemons too, and I have to accept that.

Courage on the other hand is accepting defeat, and then standing up again. It is fighting for what you believe in. In facing the truth. In all of its forms, courage is when one steps out of his comfort zone and bravely embraces the unknown.

But now tell me this. Am I a coward because I ran away from knowing the truth, or am I brave that I have accepted this weakness, that I still have the guts to fight for it without knowing that truth, that I have presented my whole vulnerability on a silver platter, ready to be served. That I am willing, no matter how scared I am, to blindly fight for something I will never be certain of.

I am scared as shit, but i'm still here. So what does that make me?

Rage

People keep setting fire to their insides to make up for the warmth they wanted to feel on the outside.

Summer Rain

Humidity, summer rain, TV tuned in on cartoon network with volume at max, and two little tykes running around the house. Well so much for my "reflection/retreat" day as i hoped it would be. Sighs.

Searching between the sheets

Here we go.

There are only two options. Either i'd do IT, or I am forced do something else. No rocket science there definitely, but its not that simple. So while I am munching on my take-out and listening to Ben Howard, I pray so hard that I come to an end of a conclusion by the end of this night.

Oh this darn songs. The thing about my songs (referring to my type of music) is that if they hit you, they hit you real hard, right down to the core. Maybe, well just maybe, this is a sign, a divine intervention of some sort, telling me what I should do. But of course, its still up to me.

10

Been itching to write for a very long time now and while The Fray's run for your life is singing in the background, I stare at my cover photo thinking of you, hand in hand. It says in the song that I don't have to go it alone. Well yeah of course you'll have that kind of people in your life, but still, your battles are your battles.

Earphones plugged in, humming Bon Iver, shutting out all the world (well I hope its that easy to shut it out) and the rest of the problems away from just one night. Well who am I kidding, i'm writing about it anyway so i'm not really forgetting about it. Again with this question. If I had a cent for every time I used this I wouldn't be writing this anymore because I'd be so filthy rich I'd be busy eating popcorn's and Hagen Daas while watching Avengers on my own surround sound theater underground. That's a bit of exaggeration I hate to admit but it still gave me something good to think about. Going back to the worn out question. What now? No where. I am nowhere near anything I was hoping for. Yes, yes I know I'm still young but why does it feel like everyday is such a slow-mo. It only fast forwards when it's bed time. Then the same old thing happens again. Never had I thought that life after graduation was this hard. It has been two years and I'm still stuck in this place, with no work, no money, finishing one and then quitting one volunteer work, parents still feeding my tinsy winsy stomach, wasting a lot of my good energy on trivial things, and yeah, sleeping a lot. And I thought when I was a student that life after that is promising well I am completely deluded. Or maybe "naive" is a much fitting word for it.

Oh my what now?

If I could only cry out to Adele and beg her to give me her talent then i'd be settled. Just kidding. If that's the case then i'd ask Lucio Tan to adopt me. Point is stability. Where can I get one of those, anyone tell me please? Maybe Lucy Rose knows since her songs is that comforting, it seems that she has nothing to worry about.

Now reading this, it might sound like i'm such a whiny, ungrateful little bitch complaining about everything and not doing anything about it. Well yeah, maybe you're right so point a gun at me will yah? The thing is I am not contented YET, but it doesn't mean that I am not grateful.

I'm not really good at explaining myself in the first place and why did I even write this friggin' random rant when it feels like I have to defend myself. So no, not this time. Let me succumb to my weeping and useless self pitying and let me get back to you when I get in touch with reality. Very soon I hope.

So yeah. I am chilling with M83, Walk The Moon, Bon Iver, Lucy Rose, The Temper Trap, Marble Sound, Death Cab, and Jose Gonzales for tonight. Drown me in your sweet sweet melody and sing me to sleep. Oh look, it's already 11.